Mothers day and infertility(# 17 on the gratitude list)

I love mothers day because it reminds me of Gods grace in my life. But there was a time when mothers day was my worst nightmare. I think I may have blogged on this before but I am doing it again...

Here is our story:
Kevin and I met while at Southeastern Seminary in Raleigh, NC. We were both getting Masters degrees with the plans of heading to the mission field. We were married at the ripe old age of 26. It doesn't seem that old now...but I thought i was getting up there. We weren't sure about the whole birth control thing but we used it for the first 3 months of marriage. We "planned" it that if we got pregnant, we would both be done with our degrees by the time a baby would come. Let me back track a bit, this is pretty cool so hang in there...

During college, I lived with the Linkston family. This was truely ordained by God in so many ways. I love this family to death! They helped me grow in so many ways and prepared me for my future in the ministry and as a wife to a minister and a mommy. They were REAL people, no fakeness, just open and honest about life, God and all issues. They had two lovely little girls, Jordan and Logan when I moved in. LOVE those girls!! While i was there they adopted "my first baby." I was never really around babies that much until Ryan came along and of course I fell in love and it was all over...God knew how to get to me. Then later they adopted Evan Joy...my namesake...and again God pressed on my heart for adoption. This was HUGE. I later told Kevin that there was no way I would marry him unless he was willing to adopt because i KNEW this is what God wanted for me and my future family. He then said the same thing. He had been living in Africa and saw the needs there and was also apart of a family who had adopted a child from Africa and he knew God was calling him to the same thing.

.....We knew adoption was expensive and a long grueling process and we thought we would continue to seek out pregnancy.
.....so we graduated...no baby
......so we moved to GA for student ministry position....no baby
.....then we went to the dr. to see what was wrong.....it didn't look good for us to concieve and there was definately a loss. It seemed as though it was so easy for others to get pregnant and have babies so why not us? Then there were the options of surgeries and so forth that would highten our chances, but they cost a fortune too and nothing was certian...and we weren't willing to because we KNEW what God had given us a heart for....it was a pretty easy decision....just a REALLY hard process once we got started.

I remember mother's days during that time were aweful! I wouldn't even go to church. Baby dedications were aweful...i tried to avoid those too. Could not work in the nursery or even come close to the children's wing. I did not want to be around anyone with a baby. I remember I use to go to hospital visits with kevin and one of our friends at church had just had a baby and i just couldn't mentally go up there and see them. I sat in the car and cried. Then I saw a lady in a hospital gown walking around outside probably 8 months pregnant, smoking a cigarette and i cried some more. Mad at God. Not mad because I couldn't have a biological child, but that it seemed as though everyone was pregnant or could get pregnant and the adoption process was too long and too hard.

I remember also after church one sunday we were at some friends house and they were just ranting and raving about the new little girl and how beautiful she was and how her daddy and her were so precious, as he held her durning church. I finally let out a big ugly frustrating grunt( not even able to control myself...oops).

So i was a tad bit on the bitter side. It was ugly and I wish I had been different, but God graces were greater than I could have ever imagined. I am thankful for infertility because I got the most precious boys in the world, and i always tell Elijah and Cooper that they were our very special present from God and they are! I can't tell you how in love I am with my boys and how I love spending time with them, mesmerized by God's creation of them for our family. AMAZING!

So on mother's day, I hope if you are struggling with infertility that you will know God's love and plan is for your best even though you cannot understand it. And also to be compassionate with those who are single and struggling, who are struggling with infertiltiy or who have lost a child. Mother's day can be particularly hard. Will you stop and pray for them? Consider these passages as you do so.

Psalm 56:8 (New Living Translation)

8 You keep track of all my sorrows.[a]
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 126:5
So those who went off with heavy hearts
will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.

MY ARMLOADS OF BLESSING!!